DREAMS

They're always disconcerting, uncomfortable, weird. Not a nice one in the bunch.

Last night was home invasion of the cockroaches, quivering from the effects of pesticides but not dead. A lot of them were stuck to the walls. One was a hybrid of a praying mantis/small snake/cockroach. My sister was cowering in a corner at the sight of it. Why I wasn't I have no idea.

Then there was the impending thunderstorm in the distance, and when it struck, everything in its path turned to ice. Complete with tornado and everything!

I once kept a dream diary but couldn't figure out a use for it. Sell it to Hollywood?

Signed,

Unsigned.

IMAGINE: JOHN AND YOKO

Today's is Yoko's hatch day... I mean 78th birthday.

I just heard a short audio clip recorded at Abbey Road studios during the making of "The White Album". In it, Paul is in the background playing "Martha My Dear", and John is in the foreground discussing something with an unidentified party when all of a sudden we hear Yoko screaming"JOHN! JOHN! JOHN!" It gets louder and louder. The pitch gets higher and higher. John plays along with her. "YOKO! YOKO! YOKO!" They go back and forth. Meanwhile, Paul being the trooper that he is, keeps playing "Martha My Dear". How come he wasn't storing a pistol in the piano?

I would love to see the reaction on George, Paul, and Ringo's faces. I kept waiting to hear the studio door slamming as everyone walked out.

I'm really not a fan of performance art.

Turn down the mics, and turn up the bug zapper.

Signed,

Unsigned.

CALL THE LAWYER AGAIN

How about these:

A 19 year old was awarded $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor accidently ran over his hand with his car. He was unaware that someone was behind the wheel when he was in the process of stealing the hubcaps.

A woman in Texas was awarded $80,000 after she broke her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running about inside the furniture store she was shopping in. The store owners were surprised by the verdict, seeing as the child was the woman's son.

Get this one: homeowners goes on a week long vacation. A guy burglarizes the house, then leaves through the side door that exits into the attached garage. The door locks behind him, and seeing there's no exit door on the garage, he's trapped inside for a week, forced to survive on soda and dog food. He successfully sued the homeowners ( and I bet they lost their house because of it )

I wished I had taken school more seriously and studied harder. Being a lawyer sounds fun, if for nothing else than just breaking the balls of large companies with these idiotic lawsuits. My firm's TV commercial slogan would be "IT'S ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT!"

CALL THE LAWYER

How about this one:

April 1995: Chesapeake, Virginia prison inmate Robert Lee Brock was upset at himself for getting arrested for breaking and entering and grand larceny, so he decided to make himself pay -- by suing himself for $5 million. Stating that he violated his own religious beliefs by committing the crime, he sought payment for a civil rights offense. Of course, since he didn't have $5 million to pay himself, he asked that the state pay on his behalf. His suit was thrown out.